Public Confession...My Appologies

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 2:05 pm

If some of you have read about my war story, or my experience in the State hospital, you might have picked up on a few things that were left out of the story. Some of it was intentional on my part because I didn't know how to say it, or if I even wanted to on a public forum.

Before I went into the hospital I was seeing a therapist. (There's a lesson in here, trust me). I felt very attached to this therapist and know that he has a heart of gold. But at the time, I blamed him for me ending up there in that place. To make it worse, when all those guys were in my room, a locked cell, and I was drugged with something, I was temporarily blind. I could hear them, but I couldn't see them. This part is true. So, I assumed that my therapist was a part of it, which he wasn't. I assumed this because of the blame I placed on him. He had absolutely nothing to do with me being in the hospital.

I'm just going to make a long story short. I accused him, my therapist, of raping me. As It came out of my mouth, I knew that it didn't happen, but at the same time, I couldn't stop the words from coming out. Why would anyone do this? Well, to me, he was "in on it". He was there (or so I thought) when the guys were harrassing me. I felt raped. I WAS raped spiritually and emotionally. No one should have to go through what I went through in there. This is how it came to be that I accused my therapist of raping me. It never happened and I appologized to him when I got out of the hospital. It was one of the first phone calls that I made. To this day, I feel terrible that I ever said what I said. Even though I appologized, I feel that it isn't enough. I appologized more than once.

I see my former therapist from time to time because I work near him. In fact, I work for the same company! And when I look in his eyes, I just want to repeatedly appologize. Ok, he's a therapist and should understand, right? But I know that I really made him feel awful, or confused or pissed or something! I know he doesn't hold a grudge, and he did forgive me, but I just feel like saying I'm sorry again and again and again. Guilt? Maybe. I know I was sick, but still!!! It was a horrible thing to accuse an innocent man of. A man that does nothing but try to help others and has a good heart.

Lesson to be learned....Don't blame an innocent bystander who has nothing but your best interest at heart, even if you don't know it at the time. He only tried to help to help me, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart for that. He truly is an awesome person!!!!

Peace and forgive me,
Leah